I am a fond cat lover and recieved this email funny from my sis n law …I thought I would share it with you all as I catch my email up. …(and man has it added up)
The do’s and Don’ts by
The Cat
-
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with
that. -
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
human has finished watching a horror movie. -
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
-
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to
stuff them down the sink’s drain. -
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke
them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage. -
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff
out of my fur.) -
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files. -
I will not fish out my human’s partial plate from the glass so that the
dog can “wear” it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to
wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own
teeth.) -
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
-
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the
night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my
human can admire my “kill.” -
I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare
into her eyes until she wakes up. -
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep. -
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
-
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget
this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt,
I will not get up and do the same thing again. -
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
leaves. -
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my
human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am. -
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after
sitting in my water bowl. -
I will not intrude on my human’s candle-lit bubble bath and singe my
bottom. -
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in
it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to
get the rubber cement out of my fur. -
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
-
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
dissolves in boiling coffee. -
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite
down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human. -
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
necessary to check every door. -
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try
to open it up to get the birds out. -
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. -
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
-
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move
out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That
does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there
and laugh. -
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been
for several years. I don’t have to act as if I’ve just discovered the Demon
Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window. -
I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring
in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come
true. -
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them. -
I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room
floor trying to do sit ups. -
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.
-
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
-
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing
a new board in her computer. -
I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button. -
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
-
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a. -
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stays in the house and any
wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set
the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank. -
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp
hooves and could hurt me if they weren’t laughing so hard. -
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to
sleep once in a while. -
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its
bowl. -
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there
until I get hungry. * I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind
the toilet. -
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of
the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the
underside. -
I will learn to relax at the vet’s office so they will start writing
things in my records like “Good Kitty” and “Sweet Kitty” instead of the
stuff that’s there now like “MEAN!!”, “BITER!!!”, and “GET HELP!!!” -
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at
2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. -
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase
me or how hard they pull my tail. -
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars
resemble a botched suicide attempt. -
If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn’t as
tasty. -
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not
get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I
will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or
the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or
hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me. -
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
-
I will not use a freshly made salad as a bed when my human is entertaining
dinner guests. Apparently my hair is not as good as sprouts
I hope you found this lenghty funny as humorous as I found it…I am still giggling over it. 
