EDIT: SOLVED.
I feel like such a noob but I’m going to leave this post for the archives.
The solution is just to use polygroups. I was hesitant because the mesh is not quite straight in profile and I thought it would take a while. But someone on Reddit suggested Polygroups > Group Front while in the view in the screenshot. Seriously just a one-button fix:
They need to be moved a little but MUCH better.
—
ORIGINAL POST:
—
I have no idea how to fix this leaf’s UVs.
Tried painting various attract lines, to no avail. This thing might as well be a math (topology) problem.
Any help appreciated.