> Dog’s Letters to God - Warren Eckstein Online
> DOGS’ LETTERS TO GOD
> Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers,
> but seldom, if ever, smell
> one another? Where are their priorities?
>
> Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit
> on your couch? Or is it
> the
> same old story?
>
> Dear God, Why are cars named for the eagle,
> the cougar, the mustang,
> the colt, the stingray, the rabbit, etc., but not
> ONE named for a dog? How
> often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs
> love a nice ride! Would it
> be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the
> ‘Chrysler Beagle’?
>
> Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the
> forest and no human hears
> him, is he still a bad dog?
>
> Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that
> good or bad?
>
> Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti,
> please.
>
> Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates,
> do we have to shake hands
> to
> get in?
>
> Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or
> are we alone? I have been
> howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but
> all I ever hear back is
> the Schnauzer across the street.
>
> Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If
> there are, will I have to
> apologize?
>
> Dear God, We dogs can understand human
> verbal instructions, hand
> signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent
> IDs, electromagnetic
> energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do
> humans understand?
>
> Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
>
> Dear God, These are just some of the things
> I must remember (in order
> to keep my present living arrangements):
> - The garbage collector is not stealing our
> stuff.
> - I do not need to suddenly stand straight
> up when I’m lying under the
> coffee table.
> - I will not roll my toys behind the fridge,
> behind the sofa or under
> the bed.
> - I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
> before entering the house.
> - I will not eat the cats’ food before they
> eat it or after they throw
> it up.
> - I will stop trying to find the few
> remaining pieces of clean carpet
> in the house when I am about to get sick.
> - I will not throw up in the car.
> - I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish,
> crabs, etc., just because I
> like the way they smell.
> - I will not munch on “leftovers” in the
> kitty litter box; although
> they are tasty, they are not food.
> - I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins
> and then redeposit them
> in
> the back yard after processing.
> - I will not chew my humans’ toothbrushes
> and not tell them.
> - I will not chew crayons or pens,
> especially not the red ones, or my
> people will think I am hemorrhaging.
> - When in the car, I will not insist on
> having the window rolled down
> when it’s raining outside.
> - We do not have a doorbell.
> - I will not bark each time I hear one on
> television.
> - I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and
> dance all over the backyard
> with them.
> - The sofa is not a face towel; neither are
> Mom and Dad’s laps.
> - My head does not belong in the
> refrigerator.
> - I will not bite the officer’s hand when he
> reaches in for Mom’s
> driver’s license and registration.
> - I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s
> underwear when he’s on the
> toilet.
> - I will not roll around in the dirt right
> after getting a bath.
> - Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is
> not an acceptable way of
> saying ‘hello’
> - I will not sit in the middle of the living
> room and lick my crotch
> when company is over.
> - The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I
> play with him and he makes
> that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.